Internal Family Systems Therapy

Internal Family Systems Therapy is a powerfully transformative, evidence-based model of psychotherapy. We believe the mind is naturally multiple and that is a good thing.  Our inner parts contain valuable qualities and our core Self knows how to heal, allowing us to become integrated and whole. In IFS all parts are welcome.

IFS Institute

IFS Therapy

You are probably all familiar with the notion of “parts”. You might say: “one part of me wants to get my work done, but the other part just wants to go out with my friends”. In Internal Family Systems Therapy this perspective gives us a powerful way to help the parts of us that have become stuck, depressed, or distressed.

For example, you might notice a “self-critical” part – a harsh inner voice that tells you to do better. Or perhaps you notice a “lazy” part – a part that helps you find lots of reasons not to get your work done.

We can explore the interactions of these different parts by talking and reflecting.  As we explore, we see that it’s possible to notice more parts and allow them space to be present in your experience.

To improve the health and harmony of your inner system, we pay attention to parts that seem to be stuck or ‘burdened’.  You focus on one part of you, and ask other parts to ‘step back’. You can then listen with the openness and compassion of your ‘Self’.  In IFS therapy the ‘Self’ refers to an open and compassionate mode of inner listening.  In this mode we feel safe enough to witness the emotional wounds and negative beliefs with which that part of us has become burdened.  This witnessing allows the release of these fears or beliefs and the part of you that was carrying them becomes a positive aspect in your emotional world.  As we meet and unburden these parts, we find that defensive strategies ease. This allows you to be more present and flexible in life.

IFS Institute

You can read more about Internal Family Systems Therapy at the IFS Institute website.  The website includes a short video of Richard Schwartz, the originator of IFS, explaining the key aspects of the approach.

You can also read an outline of the approach from Richard Schwartz.  He writes about his first insights into this way of work in the 1980s and how IFS Therapy developed over the following years.

A Longer Look at Internal Family Systems Therapy with Graeme Jardin

There are much more experienced and qualified people who have written about IFS. I recommend looking at the works of Richard Schwartz and the IFS Institute website. So why should you read my version? Perhaps you are considering working with me and wondering about how I see it, or it could be that the way that I express things clicks nicely with your way of thinking. Let’s see how it goes.

Inner World

Internal Family Systems Theray is a model for understanding and helping our inner world. The inner world being whatever your experience when you focus your attention on the thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations that happen ‘inside’ the body and mind. Often, we don’t give much thought to this inner environment, perhaps just accepting that it is somehow “us”. If we are experiencing distress or difficulties that don’t have a clear cause in the outer world, or that seem to persist after we have tried fixing things in the outer world, then paying attention to this inner world may be worthwhile.

So, what do we discover when we look in? We notice words or images, sensations and emotions appearing. These generally coalesce into sense of “I” or “me”. As in “I am thirsty”, or “I like that person”. Sometimes it gets a bit more complicated. It may seem that “I like that person”, and “when I see that person I feel jealous”. We may sense that there is more than one “I” involved and sometimes these different “I”s might be in conflict.

Inner Critic – a Good Example

A good example of when things get more difficult is the experience of an inner critic. Most of us have this to some degree. A voice that says things like “you idiot, you’ve said something stupid again” or “everyone works much harder than you, you’re lazy”. These words are probably accompanied by a sense of tension, or feelings like shame or fears of rejection. At the same time you might reflect that this voice is not around all the time, it is triggered in certain situations.

This is an example of an inner “part” of you. It is more than just a single thought, and it seems to bring with it, or cause, feelings and emotions. If you spend some time attending to it you may see it as a sub-person within you. This might sound, and feel, a bit strange at first, but if you are up for some exploration, this is an approach that helps us explore our inner world and work with the bits that seem to be causing us problems.

Getting Used to Parts Language

When I work with people who are new to this approach, it usually doesn’t take long before they are using ‘parts’ language to describe their inner world. This often helps them to find more clarity about difficult experiences that have been bothering them.

Let me give you an example. Jane is telling me that she went out with a good friend, with whom her relationship isn’t always easy. She found she was going along with what her friend wanted to do, even though she could feel she was tired and really wanted to go home. She could feel thoughts and feelings of longing for her cosy flat and bed, and yet every time her friend said let’s have another drink, she heard herself saying yes. Eventually she told her friend that she’s heading home. Jane hears her friend mutter something like “should have known” and roll her eyes. Jane suddenly feels a surge of emotion, tears come to her eyes, and she is choked up. She feels a terrible sense of rejection, and her friend seems cold and distant. Jane is quite shocked by the strength of these feelings.

So, how can we explore this scenario? We may talk it over before we explore ‘inside’. We might consider that there are probably a few of her parts involved here. There may be a part of her that is aware of her tiredness, and simply wants some peace and quiet. Then there seems to be a part that finds it difficult to disagree with her friend. It seems this part of her would rather override her tiredness to keep things harmonious with her friend. We might call this a “people pleasing” or “other regarding” part. Then when her friend rolls her eyes, this triggers a sudden strong feeling that suggests another part has been “triggered” within her. Before we even start exploring more deeply, Jane might find it helpful to consider that this situation becomes much clearer and feels less overwhelming when we consider it in terms of parts. That different parts of her get active at different times, depending on the situation, and that we can get to know these parts better and help them out of their difficult reactions.

Getting to Know Parts Better with the Internal Family Systems Therapy Approach

So how do we build on this idea to do something that will help her system work a bit more harmoniously? I suggest to Jane that she takes a moment to see what thoughts and feelings are stirred up right now, after telling me about what happened last night. The upset has calmed down, but she is very aware of how hard she tries to keep her friend happy. I suggest she stays with that urge, and notice if it seems to happen somewhere in or around her body. She finds it in her chest, it feels like a sense of pressure. I ask if there are any words that come to mind as she focusses on that place. The words “don’t upset her” come to mind. I ask about feelings, and Jane can feel an emotion in her chest area, she says there is a feeling of fear of rejection.

I should say at this point, that everyone is different in the way that they experience their inner world. Some people seem to get quick and clear answers to these questions, but for most of us it is a bit more vague and subtle than that. It might be more a case of finding words that feel like a good fit with the sensations/emotions/feelings that are going on inside. It’s good to bear that in mind when you hear an example of someone else’s internal experience.

Back to Jane. I ask if an image comes to mind, and she sees herself back at school, age 13, when her best friend suddenly froze her out, for no reason that she could understand. Now we have quite a clear sense of an inner character. A part of Jane that was active last night when she felt reluctant to go against her friends wishes. You can see how we can focus in one aspect of this experience, and with a few questions we try to bring it into focus as a distinct part of Jane. As I said, for some people it will be vaguer than this. Perhaps getting some sense of the words, or the fear of rejection, but not distinct image or sense of time or place. That’s fine, we can work with that, and it may become clearer with time.

Focussing on a ‘target part’, helping other parts relax

As a part of her comes into focus, there may still be other parts of her active within her inner world. We want to help those other parts relax so that we can spend some quality time with the part we have chosen to explore, the target part. A great way to tease out which other parts are here is to ask Jane “As you focus on this 13 year old Jane, how do you feel towards her?”. If all other parts are relaxed, there is a natural arising of a warm and welcoming presence, with qualities like calmness, compassion and curiosity.

If other parts are active, their reaction to the 13-year-old will come to mind. Jane may say “she’s pathetic”, which suggests a critical part of Jane has been stirred up and is reacting to the 13-year-old. This is a very common experience. The busyness we experience in our heads day to day is often the back and forth between conflicting parts, and an inner critic may well be part of it. Within the session we temporarily move focus to this part, the critical one in this case, acknowledge it is stirred up, reassure it that it isn’t doing anything wrong and invite it to relax for a bit, and let us spend some time with the target part.

Noticing ‘Polarisations’

Sometimes that will be enough for it to relax, if not we may need to stay with it a bit longer. When two or more parts become stuck with an ongoing tension between them, that tension may push both parts to more extreme positions. We call this a ‘polarisation’. For example, in Jane’s case, the more the 13-year-old part becomes active, with its fear of rejection, the more strongly a critic may activate, trying to make that fearful response go away, and this in turn may push the 13-year-old into a more fearful position. I won’t say much on this here, only that we sometimes need to spend time with this dynamic, helping both parts feel safe enough to de-escalate this tension.

Warm Presence of the ‘Self’ – a type of listening that helps burdened parts of us to recover.

Once we have found the warm and welcoming place from which to attend to the 13-year-old target part, we find that things start to open up for that part. It seems that when parts have our full attention, they start to feel safe and are willing to share more of their thoughts and feelings. We can invite them to tell us all about the horrible thing that happened, that left them stuck with this bad feeling. We might call this “stuck, bad feeling” a burden that this part of us is carrying.

This ‘warm and welcoming place’ is what IFS therapists refers to as ‘the Self’ – and the way we use this resource to enable change is central to Internal Family Systems therapy.

If you haven’t experienced this type of inner exploration, this may sound a bit weird. What do you mean “parts feel safe and share their thoughts and feelings?” We are looking to settle into a relaxed mode, where we can relax enough to let the image, feelings and thoughts of this part of us take on a life of their own, so it doesn’t feel like we are controlling it. We seem to be listening to something inside us sharing its feelings. This mode seems to allow the unlocking emotions or tension that have been stored away in our body from a time when our system felt overwhelmed. It is like we are relaxing the defensive strategies that have kept it hidden and allowing that experience to loop through our awareness once more at a time when we feel safe and the feelings are no longer overwhelming.

In this example, the part of Jane that felt rejected shows a scene where Jane first realised she was being frozen out. Jane is feeling again the intense shock and rejection, feels her chest contract just as it did at that time, however this time she is listening from her warm, welcoming grown up presence, and feels safe and well at the same time. This experience of really getting how bad it was, and at the same time feeling safe and warm towards that part is often enough to relieve this part from its stuck position in the inner world. After it feels fully witnessed it may communicate that it doesn’t want to be back at that time and place and feels ready to reconnect with the present Jane, and release the shock, beliefs and bad feeling that has been carried for so long.

In Conclusion

In this account something has been transformed quite quickly and clearly. That isn’t always the case and it is fine just “hang out” with these inner parts, slowly building a sense of trust and safety and allowing things to unfold at their own pace.

I hope this has provided a short outline of what happens in an Internal Family Systems Therapy session. Everyone is different and each person carries out their own exploration. The IFS approach provides a supportive framework for the whatever difficulties arise in our inner worlds.